Morris Minor Owners Club

Heared of an accident on the M4 recently where a load of vicks vapour rub was spilled over the carriage way..Police advised there was no congestion for 12 hours..

‘ I’ve got some of that German cake for Christmas ‘

‘ Is it stollen?’

‘No, I paid for it!’

What did the dodgy builder do when he spotted the police car following.He bricked it.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…

Free of charge.

I’ve applied for a job in a mirror factory. I can see myself working there.

going to pack my job up as a taxi driver...........................sick of people talking behind my back.

I asked my father whether he knew what was meant by a total eclipse,he replied, no sun.

A policeman calls the station on his radio. -"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

The station radios back -"Have you arrested the woman?"

-"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

One night I dreamt that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.

Wife at home rings husband on his new hands free phone ' Be careful on the motorway, it's just said on the radio that there is a car going the wrong way on the M6'.

Husband replies 'One! ......There are hundreds of them!'

"Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?"

" No son"

Not really an awful joke, but it did make me smile.
I was searching the net for a specific size bolt.
Anyhow next day my Microsoft Edge home page thought it would help me:- I don’t think those nuts will fit!!

Regards John

I saw Elvis in the DIY shop. He wanted to ....return a sander.

I saw a picture of Elvis on a cake in the cake shop. It was....in the gateaux.

How to confuse a vegan.

Met a guy in a pub who told me he could throw a stick two miles and his dog would run after it and bring it back.

Does that sound far fetched to you?

The day after the eclipse, two men met in a Camborne street. One said to the other "'Ere boay, did 'ee see the eclipse yesterday?" His friend replied "No, but I listened to un on the wireless!"

A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two people showed up......

One is a Morris Minor owner in his mid-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history! Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun ...... Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then sighs, lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the Morris Minor owner and asks, "Can you top that?"

The Morris Minor owner replies, "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

Definition; UB40. A birthday card for a middle-aged pirate.

This man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. He buys a pint for himself and a bag of chips (crisps) for the monkey. Well, the monkey finishes its bag of chips, gets bored and starts monkeying about. It jumps on the bar, sees a jar of olives so sticks his hand in, gets a handful and stuffs it into his mouth.

The barkeeper sees this and shouts over to the man, ‘Hey! Have you just seen what that bloody monkey has done? He’s stuck his big dirty monkey hand into that jar of cocktail olives and stuffed them into his mouth! I cant sell those to customers now!’

The man says, ‘Sorry, here’s $10. Buy another jar of olives.’

The next week the man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. He buys a pint for himself and a bag of chips for the monkey. Well, the monkey finishes its bag of chips, gets bored and starts monkeying about. It jumps on the bar, doesn’t see any olives so jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, stuffs it into its mouth and swallows it.

The barkeeper sees this and shouts over to the man, ‘Hey! Have you just seen what that monkey has done? He’s ran all over the bar leaving dirty big monkey feet marks everywhere, THEN he’s gone and eaten the cue ball! How are customers going to have a game of pool now?’

The man says, ‘Sorry, here’s $50. Buy another cue ball.’

The next week the man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. He buys a pint for himself and a bag of chips for the monkey. Well, the monkey finishes its bag of chips, gets bored and starts monkeying about. It jumps on the bar, sees the jar of olives, goes over and very carefully takes a single olive, lifts its tail, sticks it up its bum, pulls it out and eats it.

The barkeeper sees this and shouts over to the man, ‘Christ almighty! Have you just seen what your bloody monkey has done? He’s just stuck an olive up its backside, pulled it out and eaten it!!! What is wrong with the bloody thing!’

The man says, ‘Well, after the cue ball last week he now tries everything for size before he eats it!’