The awful joke thread

[rocco]

Bought the wife a Pug for Christmas.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her!

[panky]

I have a step ladder...................I never knew my real ladder

[cyrus]

Saw an advert in the paper the other day, they were looking for a salesman to sell playground equipment. In the end I didn't apply for it, I needed a steady income and suspected that it might be a bit swings and roundabouts.

[panky]

Before crowbars were invented crows drank alone

[stuffedpike20]

A vicar, a priest and a rabbit meet up for a drink. They decide to donate blood together.
So the vicar, priest and rabbit go to the blood bank.
The rabbit goes in first, and the nurse asks him 'What blood group are you?'
The rabbit says 'I think I must be a type o.'

.....don't worry, it took me a few seconds to get it too.

[rocco]

A man was admitted to hospital yesterday with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in to his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

[Paladin1962]

I booked an appointment with the Medical Centre this morning.
They asked me which doctor I wanted to see.
No, I said; I want a normal doctor.

[simmitc]

I have a spelling cheque.
It came with my PC.
It planely marx for my revue
mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this verse threw it,
I'm shore your please too no.
It's letter perfect in its way
My chequer tolled me sew

[stuffedpike20]

The man who invented predictive text died last week.
The funeral is next Tewksbury...may he rust in p*ss.

[Paladin1962]

Absent-minded doctor, scribbling away, notices he's using a rectal thermometer...
"Now, where's my bloody pen gone?"

[simmitc]

OR
"Damn, some bum's got my pen"

[rocco]

The hardest football pitch I ever played on was made of crushed bricks and broken lumps of concrete.
We won 3 - 2 on aggregate.

[bobtail4x4]

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

he said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

"I want 5 loaves." he answered.She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

Shocked, he replies "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me!"

[bobtail4x4]

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe....
is that none of it has tried to contact us.

[bobtail4x4]

We were in the pub and the 'body count' thing came up. I asked my Welsh friend how many partners he'd had and he fell asleep.

[stuffedpike20]

My friend is having a combined Burns night/Chinese New Year celebration. Its a Chinese Burns night.
I didn't want to go......but he twisted my arm.

[Paladin1962]

I started my new job at the zoo; I circumcise elephants.
The pay's not that much...
but the tips are huge.

[stuffedpike20]

A drake goes into the chemists and asks for some condoms.
The assistant asks, 'Do you want me to put it on your bill?.
The drake says,
'What do you think I am....some kind of pervert?'

[Paladin1962]

I hit a skunk with my car in the rain last night, stunned him, so I took pity on him and took him home to recover.
My wife flew into a tizzy when I took him to bed to keep him warm...
"What about the smell?" she shrieked...
"I got used to it; I suppose he can get used to it , too."

[MM1949]

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles and now I’m experiencing constant vowel movements.
The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.