The awful joke thread

[Pete Bags]

Perhaps anything to help us keep smiling during these weird Covid times! I'll start....

So, I was walking along the street when I looked in our local garage. In the window was a Minor, with a sign saying “genuine Netherlands Minor”. Well I've had Minors for years, and I’ve never heard of a Minor from the Netherlands, or anything similar. So I went into the garage, and asked the salesman:
“How Dutch is that moggie in the window”.

[Myrtles Man]

Many years ago, when I was a young man, I took up Morris Dancing but had to pack it in because of the high cost of replacement body panels. (Don't blame me - he started it!)

[Murrayminor]

My four year old has been learning Spanish but still cannot say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.

[myoldjalopy]

Old Morris Minor wreck went into the crusher. The horn sounded one last note as it died - A flat minor!

[Myrtles Man]

Nice one Duke of Edinburgh!

[Mick Lynch]

A man goes into the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head
Doctor says "I've got some cream for that"

[viewsonic1]

Ever since I had this operation on my neck I've never looked back.....

[Mick Lynch]

Met a guy once that used to strip gearboxes, watches and cuckoo clocks and eat the springs and cogs.
Asked him why...
He said it tastes awful but good for the bowel movements: makes him go like clockwork

[SteveClem]

‘Mummy, why do I keep walking around in circles?’
‘Be quiet, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!’

[Pete Bags]

What time does Sean Connery usually arrive at Wimbledon?




Tennish

[simmitc]

"Mummy, Mummy, this egg isn't fresh"

"Be quiet and eat your breakfast"

"Alright, but can I leave the beak?"

[philthehill]

That is why I do not like eggs.

[SteveClem]

‘Mummy, I hate Daddie’s guts’
‘ Well, leave them on the side of your plate, dear’.

[Myrtles Man]

'Can I lick the bowl out Mummy?'
'No, you must use the flush like everyone else.'

[les]

What is done by a man standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog holding one leg up ?
— ok I’ll tell you. —-shaking hands. ( pre virus)

[Mick Lynch]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house.

+

Knock, knock...
Who’s there?
A chicken.

[COMMANDER]

Why did the chicken cross the road softly/

'cos it couldn't walk 'ardly.

[Matt]

Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

Ones really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

[COMMANDER]

Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth.

[Myrtles Man]

As opposed to the normal meat-eating budgie with a full set of teeth and fangs, presumably...