JOKES THREAD.

[Innovator]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey hops off the mans shoulder and scurries down the bar to where the drinks are mixed. There he finds a tray with olives in it. The monkey eats them all. He then eats all the lemon wedges, then the cherries.
After all of the trays are empty, the monkey scurries down the bar and leaps across to the pool table where he snatches up the cueball and eats that. The bartender says to the man "Did you see that?" The man says "See what?" The bartender says "Your monkey. First he ate all my olives, lemons and cherries.... and now he's ate my cueball." the man said "Don't suprise me, the litle !!!! eats everything. Don't worry I'll pay for anything he eats." The man finishes his drink, pays the bartender, grabs the monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later the same man re-enters the bar with the monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey scurries down the bar to the trays and picks up a cherry. He then reaches around and shoves the cherry up his butt pulls it out and eats it. The bartender said "Did you see that?" The man said "See what?" The bartender said "Your monkey, he just shoved one of my cherries up his butt then ate it!" The man said "Don't suprise me, ever since the cueball incident he checks for clearance."

[chrisryder]

Man is waiting to be served at the bar, while he's waiting, the bowl of peanuts infront of him say 'good evening sir, you're looking very handsome today'. A little taken aback by talking peanuts, he eats one and notices the cigarette machine. He walks up to it and it says 'sod off you ugly mug'.

Man goes back to bar and gets his drink, while he's talking to the barman he says 'your peanuts just told me i'm looking handsome, but the cigarette machine called me an ugly mug, what's going on?'

Barman says 'ah, well the cigarette machine is out of order, but the peanuts are complimentary'.

[twincamman]

Q:-Who cleans their house with the lights off and a bird of prey on each shoulder?


A:- Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers In The Dark!

[nigelr2000]

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he
noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with
a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down.


Back at base he got a right telling off – apparently they
were Allied Carpets.

[chrisryder]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer said, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do
for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

Both?

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Mog-nuts]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,wearing only the "T" shirt that she normally slept in.

As i walked in almost awake.she turned and said softly,"you've got to make love to me this very moment".

My eyes lite up and i thought,"I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"
Not wanting to lose the moment,I embraced her then give her my all,right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she simply muttered,"thanks",and returned to the stove,her "T" shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled,I asked"what was all that about?

She explained,"the egg timers broken".

[nigelr2000]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the
motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a
small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..
"Try doing it with the engine running”.

[Mog-nuts]

Dear Jeremy Kyle,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time
now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with
'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says"just some friends from work,
you dont know any of them".

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway,I have never broached the subject with her because I just did not want to know the truth.
But last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her about midnight.

I hide in the garage behind my Morris Traveller so I could get a good view of the whole street
when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'.
As she go out of the car she was buttoning her blouse,which was open,and she took her panties
out of her pocket and slipped them on.

It was at that moment that my whole world fell apart. I spotted a puddle of water beneath the
engine of my newly restored Morris Traveller. Could it be the by pass hose,water pump,core plugs
or even the head gasket? My head spun and my emotions ran amock.Would the anti freeze be lost?

Please help me. Is this something I can fix myself or should I go back to the restorer and complain?

Concerned Moggie enthusiast.

[irmscher]

Keith thats terrible

[lambrettalad]

Knock Knock

"Who's there?

"Hype"

"Hype who?"

"You don't half"