JOKES THREAD.

[Troutrunner]

Be nice to keep it to jokes only if pos.

the first.


A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[nigelr2000]

A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything ,asks the scouser.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from ?'

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

Alright says the scouser, ˜that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Leeds United' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good, but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his dole money for years and finally twenty years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser., and replies:-

'Flying header in the six yard box.'

[Troutrunner]

Two men were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

[davidmiles]

This guy goes into a motorway cafe and orders egg and chips, the cafe is full of motorway truckers and the only seat spare is in the corner with a man who looks covered in weeping boils.
Stealing himself and taking a deep breath our man walks over and sits down nodding to the man.
The man replies in the same way but as he does so one of the boils on his neck squeeks and breaks open spilling evil puss down his dirty collar.
the man offers an apology and our man casts it aside feeling quite sorry for the man.
"sorry about my apearance I'll move outside If I offend you or put you off your fried eggs" said the man.
"No not at all please you were here first, please stay"
a little while later another boil goes bright red and bursts spilling its revolting contents, our man nearly chokes, holding back and taking deep breaths.
"no really I can see I'm offending you I'll go" said the pityfull man.
"No please don't go, its not you making me feel sick, its that man behind you dipping his toast in your neck"

[Troutrunner]

Little Firefighter



A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner, 'the firefighter said,' I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Fingolfin]

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?"
The other replies, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter."

[Peetee]

I have a short term memory problem that is now affecting my private life.
My balance and coordination has gone and I keep going into things..........


.....Pubs mainly.

[nigelr2000]

Woman says to her hubby...."You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Bloke says "That's not true.......sometimes I want a Kebab

[nigelr2000]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.


The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.



The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.


Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.

[SteveandKelly]

A guy sitting in a wine bar notices three blondes on the table by the window. They order a bottle of champagne, fill their glasses and after shouting " 36 days " empty the glasses and fill them back up. Again they raise their glasses, shout "36 days " and down their champagne in one.
After the fourth time curiosity gets the better of him so he goes over and asks the girls what they are celebrating. One of the blondes says "We bought a jigsaw puzzle and on the box it said 2 to 5 years........ but we did it in 36 days " !!

[Mog-nuts]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich,they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young,they both were in very good health,largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and excercise for the last decade.
One day,their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed,sending them both to Heaven.

They reached the Pearly gates and St.Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion,furnished in gold and fine silks,with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said "welcome to Heaven.This will be your home now".

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost."Why nothing" Peter replied. "Remember,this is your reward in Heaven".

The old man looked out of the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,finer and more beautiful than any he had seen on earth."What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man"."This is Heaven St.Peter replied."You can play for free every day".

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,with every imaginable quisine laid out before them,from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts and free flowing beverages.
"Dont even ask"said St.Peter to the man.This is Heaven and it is all free for you to enjoy".
The old man looked round and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" He asked.
"Thats the best part" St Peter replied,"You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.This is Heaven!".

The old man asked,"No gym to work out at ?".
"Not unless you want to" was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself".

The old man glared at his wife and said,"You and your f****n Bran flakes.We could have been here 10 years ago !"

[Troutrunner]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

[santadawes]

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

[Troutrunner]

Why I fired my Secretary...........


Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'


I thought...


Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... they will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word. so when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! 'it felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, so What do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I've heard all day. let's go!' We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. she chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?'


I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

0K


After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,she came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ..followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there...



On the couch...


Naked.

[nigelr2000]

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it…

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[nigelr2000]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery ?"

She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won £10 , here's a fiver - now push off!"

[frosty]

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, she/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.


While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.


Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

[xboobytubeyx]

Abit of gossip for ya, Don't say anything.. but guess whos together after all the MY FAVOURITE CAR IS A DATSUN CHERRY thats gone on between them....


Your bumcheeks !

Ha, don't mean to offend anybody, it purely just makes me giggle!

[nigelr2000]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to
do was eat, drink and be Mary

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said,
“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer....
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"



My wife told me last night that she is fed up with me pushing her
around and talking behind her back... She's in a b****dy wheel chair
for goodness sake !!


Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the
wife and got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and
there she was, face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears
were welling in my eyes.............Then a moment of pure
inspiration............McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !



Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
“Because he was watching through the window!”.



Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep
on the sofa... Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!



Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my
other half. It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was
still on the bus home.



The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys
are going to study the workings of the female mind..
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a
turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam
can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change
supplier I think.

[HarryandDoreen]

This one works best said out loud...

Two blokes walking towards each other on a footpath. One bloke has a great big pole under his arm.

The other bloke says "'Ello mate! Are you a pole vaulter?"

The first bloke says "No, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"