The awful joke thread

Instead of clogging up posts with off topic discussions, have them here. Keep it clean folks!
Forum rules
By using this site, you agree to our rules. Please see: Terms of Use
Classiccars
Minor Addict
Posts: 660
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2020 1:56 pm
Location: Pontypridd
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by Classiccars »

Heared of an accident on the M4 recently where a load of vicks vapour rub was spilled over the carriage way..Police advised there was no congestion for 12 hours..
ianmack
Minor Addict
Posts: 835
Joined: Sat Jul 05, 2014 7:02 pm
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by ianmack »

‘ I’ve got some of that German cake for Christmas ‘

‘ Is it stollen?’

‘No, I paid for it!’
Classiccars
Minor Addict
Posts: 660
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2020 1:56 pm
Location: Pontypridd
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by Classiccars »

What did the dodgy builder do when he spotted the police car following.He bricked it.
Mick Lynch
Minor Fan
Posts: 219
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 9:20 pm
MMOC Member: No

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by Mick Lynch »

I gave all my dead batteries away today…

Free of charge.
MorrisJohn
Minor Addict
Posts: 721
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2015 9:41 am
Location: Glasgow
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by MorrisJohn »

I’ve applied for a job in a mirror factory. I can see myself working there.
A bad day with my Volksie still beats a good day at work!

https://www.glasgowmoggies.com
kennatt
Minor Legend
Posts: 2625
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2007 9:11 pm
MMOC Member: No

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by kennatt »

going to pack my job up as a taxi driver...........................sick of people talking behind my back.
anthony2
Minor Friendly
Posts: 29
Joined: Tue May 28, 2013 5:25 pm
Location: eynsford dartford
MMOC Member: No

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by anthony2 »

I asked my father whether he knew what was meant by a total eclipse,he replied, no sun.
Mick Lynch
Minor Fan
Posts: 219
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 9:20 pm
MMOC Member: No

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by Mick Lynch »

A policeman calls the station on his radio. -"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

The station radios back -"Have you arrested the woman?"

-"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
MorrisJohn
Minor Addict
Posts: 721
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2015 9:41 am
Location: Glasgow
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by MorrisJohn »

One night I dreamt that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.
A bad day with my Volksie still beats a good day at work!

https://www.glasgowmoggies.com
nutsandbolts
Minor Friendly
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2021 3:56 pm
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by nutsandbolts »

Wife at home rings husband on his new hands free phone ' Be careful on the motorway, it's just said on the radio that there is a car going the wrong way on the M6'.

Husband replies 'One! ......There are hundreds of them!'
the most unreliable part of a car is the nut holding the steering wheel!
Pete Bags
Minor Fan
Posts: 119
Joined: Fri May 01, 2020 1:21 pm
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by Pete Bags »

"Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?"

" No son"
StillGotMy1stCar
Minor Fan
Posts: 433
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 11:37 pm
Location: Carmarthenshire
MMOC Member: No

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by StillGotMy1stCar »

Not really an awful joke, but it did make me smile.
I was searching the net for a specific size bolt.
Anyhow next day my Microsoft Edge home page thought it would help me:-
Screenshot 2022-08-06 130949.png
Screenshot 2022-08-06 130949.png (551.84 KiB) Viewed 20425 times
I don’t think those nuts will fit!!

Regards John
stuffedpike20
Minor Addict
Posts: 543
Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2018 7:40 pm
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by stuffedpike20 »

I saw Elvis in the DIY shop. He wanted to ....return a sander.

I saw a picture of Elvis on a cake in the cake shop. It was....in the gateaux.
MorrisJohn
Minor Addict
Posts: 721
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2015 9:41 am
Location: Glasgow
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by MorrisJohn »

How to confuse a vegan.
Attachments
IMG_5173.jpeg
IMG_5173.jpeg (119.5 KiB) Viewed 19001 times
A bad day with my Volksie still beats a good day at work!

https://www.glasgowmoggies.com
Mick Lynch
Minor Fan
Posts: 219
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 9:20 pm
MMOC Member: No

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by Mick Lynch »

Met a guy in a pub who told me he could throw a stick two miles and his dog would run after it and bring it back.

Does that sound far fetched to you?
myoldjalopy
Minor Legend
Posts: 2516
Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2013 10:32 pm
Location: Kernow
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by myoldjalopy »

The day after the eclipse, two men met in a Camborne street. One said to the other "'Ere boay, did 'ee see the eclipse yesterday?" His friend replied "No, but I listened to un on the wireless!"
Mick Lynch
Minor Fan
Posts: 219
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 9:20 pm
MMOC Member: No

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by Mick Lynch »

A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two people showed up......

One is a Morris Minor owner in his mid-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history! Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun ...... Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then sighs, lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the Morris Minor owner and asks, "Can you top that?"

The Morris Minor owner replies, "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
stuffedpike20
Minor Addict
Posts: 543
Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2018 7:40 pm
MMOC Member: Yes

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by stuffedpike20 »

Definition; UB40. A birthday card for a middle-aged pirate.
Mick Lynch
Minor Fan
Posts: 219
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 9:20 pm
MMOC Member: No

Re: The awful joke thread

Post by Mick Lynch »

This man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. He buys a pint for himself and a bag of chips (crisps) for the monkey. Well, the monkey finishes its bag of chips, gets bored and starts monkeying about. It jumps on the bar, sees a jar of olives so sticks his hand in, gets a handful and stuffs it into his mouth.

The barkeeper sees this and shouts over to the man, ‘Hey! Have you just seen what that bloody monkey has done? He’s stuck his big dirty monkey hand into that jar of cocktail olives and stuffed them into his mouth! I cant sell those to customers now!’

The man says, ‘Sorry, here’s $10. Buy another jar of olives.’

The next week the man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. He buys a pint for himself and a bag of chips for the monkey. Well, the monkey finishes its bag of chips, gets bored and starts monkeying about. It jumps on the bar, doesn’t see any olives so jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, stuffs it into its mouth and swallows it.

The barkeeper sees this and shouts over to the man, ‘Hey! Have you just seen what that monkey has done? He’s ran all over the bar leaving dirty big monkey feet marks everywhere, THEN he’s gone and eaten the cue ball! How are customers going to have a game of pool now?’

The man says, ‘Sorry, here’s $50. Buy another cue ball.’

The next week the man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. He buys a pint for himself and a bag of chips for the monkey. Well, the monkey finishes its bag of chips, gets bored and starts monkeying about. It jumps on the bar, sees the jar of olives, goes over and very carefully takes a single olive, lifts its tail, sticks it up its bum, pulls it out and eats it.

The barkeeper sees this and shouts over to the man, ‘Christ almighty! Have you just seen what your bloody monkey has done? He’s just stuck an olive up its backside, pulled it out and eaten it!!! What is wrong with the bloody thing!’

The man says, ‘Well, after the cue ball last week he now tries everything for size before he eats it!’
Post Reply