The awful joke thread

[Myrtles Man]

When I got home from work a couple of days ago there was a note stuck on the fridge that said 'It's not working - I can't stand it anymore, I'm going to live with my sister'. I must admit that I was surprised and very upset; I opened the fridge door, the light came on and the beer was nice and cold. Can't understand what she was on about.

[Boomlander]

Grandad was in poor health so we tried an old family remedy and covered him in goose fat.
He went downhill very quickly after that...………..I'll get me coat!

[Mick Lynch]

Man goes to the doctor to have some tests done. Few days later the doctor calls him on the phone.

“Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, says the doc.

“Okay, I’ll have the good news”, says the man.

The doctor says “you have a rare disease and you have 48 hours to live!”

Man says “You what !!! If that’s the good news what’s the bad news!?”

Doctor says “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday”...

[Clayton James]

Adding what I found on the internet.


A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

[Chappers]

An Irishman went to the Doctors to find out the results of a test.
The Doctor says, " I'm afraid Paddy that I can only give you two weeks to live"....
Paddy thought for a while and then replied, "Well Doc, in that case can I have the first week in July and the second week in August".

[Chappers]

She was only a Fishmongers daughter, but she had a crab on her plaice poor sole.

[Chappers]

She was only a road mender's daughter, but she never had her asphalt.

[Classiccars]

Bad spellers of the world untie

[Myrtles Man]

Dyslexics lure, KO?

[simmitc]

She was only the architect's daughter, but she let the borough surveyor.

She was only the lamplighter's daughter, but she went out every night.

[Classiccars]

She was only an electricians daughter but she knew watt was watt

[Pete Bags]

My car broke down today, a car pulled up in front of me, a man got out and asked if he could help. I said are you a mechanic, he said no I am a podiatrist, I said what good are you, he said I can give you a toe...

[Pete Bags]

Archaeologists digging at Stonehenge have discovered a neolithic manuscript which it is believed will change everything we know an understand about prehistoric writings.
Experts at Cambridge analysed the 4000 year old document with a vast array of scientific instruments and it says
"the DFS sale ends this solstice!"

Just a thought, my generation had Wonder Woman - This younger generation has to wonder if it is a woman.

My mate Dave went to our local library yesterday.
“Hello I wonder if you can help me” said Dave to the librarian “I’d like to borrow a book about the discovery of Electromagnetic induction.”
“Faraday?” replied the librarian
“No” said Dave “I'm a slow reader, two weeks would be better.”

I ran a half-marathon.
Sounds much better than saying I quit halfway through a marathon...

I’ve just successfully bred a cross between a crocodile and a homing pigeon.
I bet that’ll come back to bite me...

When I was young the doctor told me I had a lazy eye, by the time I was 20 it spread to the rest of my body

[Mick Lynch]

Remember Beaker off the Muppet Show? So self obsessed...
All, “me, me, me”

[irmscher]

Some are quite good

[Matt]

Whats the difference between Lassie and football?

Lassie came home

[Classiccars]

Why do the French never have two eggs for breakfast.Because one egg is an Euf.

[Mick Lynch]

Depressed looking man goes into library, sighs heavily and asks the librarian if there are any books on suicide.

Librarian says “yes, but I’m not going to lend it to you”

Man says “why not!”

Librarian says, “you won’t bring it back…”

[Mick Lynch]

Man goes into a library and asks if there are any books on paranoia.

Librarian beckons him closer with her finger, leans to him and whispers “they’re behind you”

[Pete Bags]

If you buy an electric car you get a free dog with it, so that you don't have to walk home on your own.

I'm well shattered, no sleep since Saturday, due to some horrid metal clanking noises outside my bedroom window.
That's 2 knights running now.

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them.
It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.
A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.

That's the last time I try boxing with a pirate......He caught me with a left hook.