MOTOR CAR JOKES - ADD YOURS

[ayr41]

My wife asked me the other day " Why are men so interested in cars"
My reply "Why are women so interested in shops"
Her answer " Lets compromise and drive me to the shops"

[ssnjimb]

When i was at school (9 years ago) we used to tease skodas. One of my friends dad told him a joke it wasnt very funny but..

What do you do if a skoda overtakes you......

Switch the engine on

Jamie

[PSL184]

For some time now I have been suspecting my wife is having an affair. I had put it to the back of my mind but tonight I could not ignore it any longer. She went out, as usual, to see her friends but always took a bag with her - I suspected a change of clothes or something like that. Anyway, I didn't want to follow her and make it obvious so I thought I would wait for her to come home and hide somewhere so I could see who was dropping her off. To cut a long story short, I hid up by my garage between the house wall and the back of my Traveller. I had been waiting there for about 20 mins when I saw car lights come into the street. I moved around trying to get the best viewing angle and it was then that I saw a nail in my back tyre. So my question is - can I pull the nail out and hope its not gone all the way through or should I put the spare on anyway and not take any chances ????

[cormorant]

A rather posh chap meets a young lady in a bar and takes her out for the evening. They are sitting in a restaurant a little later when the woman leans over and says " Rupert, I am afraid I have a confession to make, you see I'm really an escort girl".
Rupert thinks for a while and says " oh that's perfectly alright though I'm more of a Ferrari man myself"

[bigjohn]

a chav is swerving all over the road so plod stops him, what the hell are you doing the copper says, the young chav says im trying to avoid the trees! plod says you thick tw*t it your air freshner

[8009STEVE]

Man drives into garage and fills up with petrol. Cashier says
I am think of buying one of those. What do you get to the gallon?
Man replies 4 MPG the wife gets the other 30

[pjh56]

A bit of cross threading! <br><br>

[Blaketon]

I know one about spark plugs but it's not repeatable on here .

However, I knew someone who worked in the vehicle maintenance shop at a local council. They used to do jobs on cars, belonging to members of staff, during their lunch breaks. One day a woman "Booked in" her Reliant three wheeler. When she brought it in, she thought she'd be helpful and put it over the pit. Came in for a service and went out needing new front wings .

[PSL184]

Two bloke walk into a night club. One carrying a battery and the other a set of jump leads. Bouncer tells them they can go in as long as they don't start anything !!!

[PSL184]

Q. Why do Skoda's have heated rear windows?
A. To keep your hands warm when you are pushing one....

[Peetee]

A bloke is driving one day and picks up a beautiful young female hitchiker. He thinks his luck might be in but what he doesn't realise is she is a witch. They get a little way down the road, she touches him on the knee and he turns into a layby.

[ColinP]

And an oldie:-

Policeman.
"excuse me sir, did you know that your Morris Minor has been stolen by a gang for a Bank Robbery"

Owner (with thoughts of fame)
"Wow - as the getaway car?"

Policeman:
"No sir, to hold up the rest of the traffic"

[simmitc]

I went into a car accessory shop and asked the chap if he had a pair of windscreen wipers for a Skoda. He said "Seems like a fair swap".


A girl went into a bikers cafe. One of the riders thought he was getting on pretty well with her, and asked if he could see her home. She said "That's lovely, but I ought to warn you that I'm on my menstrual cycle". He said: "Oh, that's fine, I've got the Triumph outside, we can ride back together".


Q. What do you call a Skoda with twin exhausts?
A. A Wheelbarrow!


A policeman pulled over a car and asked the driver to step out and look at his broken brake light. The chap stood there scratching his head. "I know what you're going to say", said the Policeman, "it was OK when you left home.". "It's not that", said the chap, "I'm wondering where the caravan has gone.".

[Blaketon]

Q. What do you call a Skoda with twin exhausts?
A. A Wheelbarrow!

I thought that was a Reliant Robin

[bigjohn]

a bloke was speeding down the road when a cop car comes up beind him,
so the bloke increses his speed, realising he cant out run them he pulls over,
cop gets out and says "its 430 friday afternoon i finish my shift in half an hour, if you can give me an excuse that i havnt heard before as to why you were speeding i will let you off"
bloke things for a moment and says "my wife ran of with a traffic officer i was speeding because i thought you were bringing her back"
"good afternoon" the cop says

[MarkyB]

Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumped on the bonnet of their Minor. The passenger nun says to the driver, "What are we going to do?"

Calmly, the driver nun replies, "I'll just turn on the windscreen wipers. That will knock him off!!" She turns on the wipers only to find the vampire clinging tightly, hissing at them through the windscreen.

The passenger nun says excitedly, "Well, that didn't work! What are we going to do now??"

Still calm, the driver says, "I know!! I just had holy water put in as wiper fluid. I'll spray him with it." She sends a spray of water onto the vampire. Smoke rises off where the water hits but the vampire just clamps down harder, hissing even more loudly at the two nuns.

Agitated, the passenger says, "Well, that didn't work either!!!! What are we going to do now??"

The driver thinks for a minute then shouts, "I know!!! Show him your cross!!!'

The passenger nun rolls down the window, sticks her head out and says, "GET OFF THE CAR, YOUR 3@"$5%**^!!!!"

[mmjosh]

Did you hear about the wooden car?
It had wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats, wooden bumpers, wooden lights and it wooden go!

[Matt]

Did you hear about the magic tractor??

It turned into a field!

[catswhisker]

Chap went to get some snow tyres,

By the time he got home - they had melted !!

[NZJLY]

Oil Changing Instructions

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check for oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for jack stands.
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench.
8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.
10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on you.
11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a big splash.
15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
17. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 16.
18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.
20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket. Install oil filter.
21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there somewhere.
22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug (step 10).
23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain plug.
24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).
25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on the floor.
26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench.
28. Hit Miss December 1992 with wrench. Cuss additional 10 minutes.
29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.
31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up. Stuff old rag in hole.
32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one jack stand.
33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) to spill (step 22).
34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap and one quart of oil.
35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag (step 31).
36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil level on dipstick.
37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of oil and a filter wrench.
38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm on hot exhaust pipe.
39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in another quart of oil.
40. Ignore the oil trail made going to O'Reilly's while driving back home.
41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement. Stock up on beer while there since it's almost time for a spark plug change.
-Larry McCartt